old wounds

ocean (my best friend's two-year old) fell and hit his chin so badly that he needed stitches a while ago. now, even though it's healed, every time he hits it slightly, it bruises.

old wounds are often that way.

today i walked into whole food and assumed i was safe. i have forgotten how often i am safe now that i live in seattle and am attending mhgs. the only bambi experiences* i have are at church - and i avoid that a lot. i live a safe life. so, i'm in whole foods, happily assuming everyon there is either a pagan or at least a liberal. i feel warm, like under a down blanket on a cold night, in the thought of an evangelical free zone - no one to pounce on old wounds.

in my confidence, i struck up conversation with the woman in front of me. already posing to apologize for being a part of the tradition that is soooo far from Christ, i stepped gently around the name of my school. when i finally said the words, "mars hill," her eyes rolled. i assured her that the school has nothing to do with the church. she said, i know, i go to the church. three or four sentences later, my safe grocery store visit turned into yet another condemnation for being a woman and a minister.

fuck. when will that end? if whole foods is not safe, is there a safe place???

it occurs to me, though, that i was ready to apologize for being christian, but not for being a minister.

like i said, old wounds are like that sometimes.



* a bambi experience comes from the scene where his mom tells him not to step out into the thicket - it's not safe there, hunters can see you there. when you step into unprotected ground with condemning evangelicals, that is a bambi experience. ie last year a friend and i were at gordon conwell joking with our friend johnny that he'd better shave his head now, because when he gets married in a couple of weeks, his wife won't let him. "Do you think that's what marriage is about? No. I'm not going to get my jollies before I get married...." he lectured us. Arrow in the heart - a bambi expereince.