out of context retrospective

i am inerrupting my blog break to introduce my blog's face lift and to reflect on last year.

i hear that the new students have a faith hope and love intensive this week so...in remembrance of last year, here is the best of quotes out of context.

new students, any of you who read this and decided to take notes on the funny stuff dan says this week, please email direct, accurate, but out of context quotes to eyeheartseattle@gmail.com.

“Go back to 8th grade and be weird. Just be on the edge and wear fringe.”
“You will likely be stoned often.”
“I was paying $50 a day for the privilege of having my child abused by someone else.”
“Jeremiah has just discovered his penis.”
"Look, I don't like the Bible."
"Please take out your check books and write a check to the Dan Allender yatch fund."
“The absolute most logical question [for me to ask] was ‘Am I pregnant?’”
“People in this church will say things that hurt you, that do you harm, and you will need batteries.”
"[There is] too much libido in chocolate chips."
“Do you love the way thorns and thistles feel as you weed your garden? If the answer is yes then we are in the realm of sexual disorders.”
“Sit here and watch Jerry Springer with me.”
“The task of a woman is to be a nuisance to her children.”
"I got into a 15-minute discussion with a fellow urinator."
"Odd and deleterious things are coming out of [my] nose and mouth."
"You shouldn’t be afraid of death. You should be afraid of me."
"I can smell your breath."
“If you could do four jumping jacks, it would be clear.”
"That’s the problem with parenting, its that it takes an extraordinary amount of time."
"Actually, I am a holograph tonight."
"If there is a way that you can come to eat one less shoe, you will have done well."
“Watching Dr. Phil and Oprah together [is pornography].”


and my all time favorite:

“bray like an ass but bring some excrement so we can see what we might grow.”