christian: a many edged dagger

last night i heard that mars hill - the church - preached that jacob represents the christians and esau the "non-christians". the idea was that you should be okay with "non-christians" being blessed on earth because it is the only heaven they'll see.

crap. i hate christians sometime. i wish i weren't one. i wouldn't be one except that the actual "christ" looks nothing like most "christ"ians.

i ended up in a room with a bunch of evangelical women and one proud fundamentalist. this is how the mars hill story was related to me. they also hypothesized who would make it into heaven. one lady is expected to be there because she recieved good sunday school curriculum mail. i guess i'm in then. too bad i wasted all that time praying for grace when all i had to do was order a magazine.

another woman complained about a tarp her husband put up in her yard - she said, and i quote, "this is my house, not a place where, you know, a bunch of mexicans live or something."

they also slammed on mars hill though - not for fundamentalism, not for how they treat women - instead because they play loud rock music that hurts children's ears.

my ears were hurt. if those kids go deaf, they've been well served by mars hill.

am i any better? i'm judging and classifying them for judging and classifying others.

it just depresses me so much. what the f is wrong with people that they can read the bible and come up with a pietistic, judging, merciless product? what can be thought of a God who has more mercy on these women than on "non-christians" who spend their lives serving others and alieviating pain? what can be thought of this mercy if it does not free from a sinful cycle of alienation based on titles and creeds - or lack there-of? what can be said of a faith that takes its name, attaches "non" in front and creates a new group of leppers - unclean, unholy, undeserving of any good and bound for eternal fire?

i told my mom a while ago that i didn't want to be called "christian" anymore. i've gone back and forth and back and forth and i want to stand my ground. i want to grow more and more in the image of Christ - i want to reclaim an abused name and i don't want to use that name for further separation - alienating myself from a group i belong to and becoming a spiritual lone ranger. still, i feel like throwing up when the word "christian" tumbles off my tongue.

a struggle i'm sure has no near end.