Deep Concern

Every year, my church has a civil war aka rumage sale. Tempers are short and little old people have flooded the fellowship hall for anything but fellowship as they are out for blood. I've been warned by our sweet, awesome secretary not to go down there. This raises a question: should I see the depths of discord which infect the congregants...or should I run for dear life?

Anyway, this is beside the point. Last night the fellowship hall -- and every other room in the church was filled completely. The youth had no place to meet. So...we sinfully treked to the evil empire (starbucks). Two of my youth asked me to buy them coffee but I firmly stated that I would buy no coffee product from *$. So they got chocolate milk - whatever.

One of my favorite kids, Luke, asked if we could sit outside. This seemed reasonable. The seeming reasonability of this, however, shows my extreme lack of insight. Such is life.

Cars zoomed by, construction on the road overpowered, no one would pay attention. So, I found myself talking louder and louder and getting more and more frustrated and losing the eloquence with which I had planned to deliver the message. In Zach Morris style, time stood still and I commented that I hated who I was being. By the end, I was pissed. I was pissed at them not for being loud and refusing to pay attention but for forcing me to a place where I had to choose between raising my voice and striving to hold their attention and some other unknown option. Worse, I was pissed at myself for choosing the former and not being creative enough to uncover the latter.

I know the kids heard some things. I had the amazing opportunity to explain grace to one of my youth -- and the blessing of having all the other youth constantly interrupt me giving him sound bites from previous lessons I'd given -- they, at least cognitively, get grace and love! :) It was in no way a loss. These kids are learning to think and the beauty of that is beyond description.

However, I hate being in that place. I'm the youngest of all the leaders and one of only two women - but I'm THE LEADER. I don't want to be the fledgling chic striving to be heard (literally or figuratively). I've never wanted to be that. I hope I'm not becoming that.