the long, arduous journey to say "get well"

a close friend of mine is in the hospital across the country (please pray for her).

i wanted to send her flowers, so i called the hospital (located in the south) to find out her room number. the conversation that follows is no exaggeration. only her name has been changed.

automated voice: thank you for calling southern general hospital. to continue in english say one.
me: one.
automated voice: i'm sorry, to continue in english, say one.
me: ONE!
automated voice: i think i understood. did you say "one"?
me: yes.
automated voice: alright, please listen carefully to our new automated system.
- automated system list of numbers to push goes on and on -
automated voice: for patient and visitor information, say "eight."
me: eight.
automated voice: I'm sorry, did you say "pound star"?
me: no. (then i moved the phone away from my mouth and said to a friend, "i said eight and the thing thought i said "pound star."
automated voice: I think i heard you that time. Did you say "R-E-P-E-A-T"?
me: no!
automated voice: I'm sorry, i did not understand you.
me: eight.
automated voice: I think you said "eight"
me: YES!!!!!!!!
automated voice: Alright, let me transfer you.

- long time on hold -

operator #1: Patient visitor relations, how can i help you?
me: hi, i'd like to order some flowers for my friend Jane Doe, and i'll need her room number
operator: let me transfer you.

operator #2: hello, patient information, how can i help you?
me: i need the room number for my friend Jane Doe, that's Jane D-O-
operator #2: Wait, is that first letter O or R?
me: D
operator #2: R?
me: D
Operator #2: N! or R!?
me: D!
Operator #2: N!?!
me: D as in dog
Operator #2: N.
me: no, D
Operator #2: ok
me: ok, so it's D, as in dog, O as in operator,
Operator #2: so i have 2 Os?
me: No, i don't think you are understanding: D-as-in-dog followed by O-as-in-operator, E-as-
Operator #2: O, E
Me: No, the letter D, as in dog! the letter O, as in operator! the letter E as in early!
Operator #2: Ok, let me just check here. She's not in here.
Me: Um, yes, yes she is.
Operator #2: No. Either than or you are spelling it wrong.
Me: No, I'm spelling it right and she is there. Would it be possible for me to speak to someone else?
Operator #2: No. It's just me. You're going to have to call me back after you get the spelling.
Me: That is the right spelling. Thanks, bye.
-hang up - call Jane to get her room number - no answer - decide to try the hospital again

Operator #1: Patient visitor relations, how can i help you?
Me: I called a minute ago and you transfered me to patient information and the man over there didn't understand me and kept telling me that my friend isn't there or that I'm spelling her name wrong, but she is there and i am spelling her name right.
Operator #1: let me look that up for you. i am sorry about that.
Me: Thanks, her name is Jane Doe. J-A-N-E last name D-O-E.
Operator #1: Jane Doe. No problem. And, how old is your son?
Me: (thinking, how backward is the south when someone names a son Jane?) SHE is my friend, and SHE is 25.
Operator #1:Ok, her room number is 7708
Me: Thank you so much.

By the time i finished, it had taken an hour to order flowers.