idolatry

One of my wisest friends, in whose presence i wish i could morph into a sponge and absorb every dew-drop of insight (save a few attempts as profundidty that are really, as my friends admits, piles of beautiful, but sort of worthless in a jedi way, bull shit - but, they wound pretty, so they're still cool), once explained a new concept of idolarty - worshipping a God we have created in our minds but that is not God at all.

willful sin, then, is maybe the refusal to see God as who God is though God reveals God's self - cleaving to our imaginary, hideous idols rather than to our unspeakably beautiful God.

I think I came within milliseconds of a nervous breakdown twice this weekend and once last. I had to literally stop and breathe - then dive back into the daunting responsibility of christian education (both mine and the children and youth at my church). As i launched back into studies and plans, i felt my jaw clenched with stress. then i heard a voice (no not audible - my life hasn't drven me to that level of insaity - yet). God and i proceeded to converse:

"What are you doing"

"Um...I'm studying...duh."

"Ok, but why?"

"Well, for you."

"Really?"

"Why else would I kill myself like this?"

"Umm, yeah, that's not what I had in mind with the whole 'die to yourself' thing. I think you're missing the point. You're certianly missing me. In fact, you've made me into a idol - or, more correctly, you've made yourself an idol in your own image to worship - one that is demanding, unforgiving, judging and can't begin to comprehend joy. Remember when I taught you about grace and it changed your life? Remember when I showed you how everything breaks down to love? Remember how that changed everything you know? Where has that gone? Stop. Rest. Breathe - breathe the breath I give you - breathe me. Stop performing for an idol and start singing and dancing for me - you'll find that I dance with you, restore you, reveal more and more of love and grace to you, and provide your every breath."


Conscious of time and of eternity, I held the two in tension, slowed my breathing, stopped to see Seattle's love-letter-esque quality unfolding around me and continued my studies feeling loved and knowing God's grace covers my failures (academically, vocationally, spiritually etc.) and that God's grace takes the repugnant weeds of idolatry and transforms them to breath-takingly, tear invokingly beautiful roses.

Two days later....my brother told me he's worried I'm literally going to kill myself working. He reminded me, this isn't what God wants for you - it's idolatry. Crap. Why does rest even have to be a journey? One more repentance. One more exposure of idolatry. One step closer I guess - but the joy, somehow, is the trek and not the arrival. Time to stop and smell the metaphorical roses.