i quit
i quit
i quit



i quit mr. white.

do you want to healing?

do you want healing?
do you want sight?
do you want grief?

tears
excrutiating pain
as though you were dying and numb
as though you were wounded and never knew
the stranger comes and heals you
excrutiating pain
tears

leprosy leaves
feeling returns
you remember ----

i am wounded

do you want healing?
do you want sight?
do you want grief?

your eyes open.
the light burns your eyes.
the darkness surprises you.

you now see violence.
you now see abuse.

excrutiating pain.
tears.

tears.
endless tears.

do you want healing?
do you want sight?
do you want grief?

and the kingdom comes.
and the light reveals.
and healing brings pain.
leprosy leaves

leaves you to feel the pain.

and in that pain -- there is hope
excrutiating.
tears.

tears.

tears.

tears.

and will there really be a day
a beautiful day
a far off day

will there really be a land
a beautiful land
a new earth

where tears will be no more?

in your pain
in the wake of leprous numbness
you feel the stranger's touch
he is not a stranger
she is your friend

in the pain
in the wake of new seen evil
your eyes meet the stranger's eyes
she is not a stranger
he is your lover
excrutiating joy

and will there really be a day
a beautiful day
a far off day

will there really be a land
a beautiful land
a new earth

where love and not loeposy will end
your
excrutiating pain

hope.

hope.

hope.

tears.

tears.

tears.

endless hope.

Kindness or Kingdom - can we hope for both?

"To the one to whom much has been given, much is required."

'Mars Hill doesn't look like the kingdom at all really. It looks like a lot of hip people who like Buber."

"God's kingdom is like a treasure hidden in a field for years and then accidently found by a trespasser. The finder is ecstatic--what a find!-and proceeds to sell everything he owns to raise money and buy that field. Or, God's kingdom is like a jewel merchant on the hunt for excellent pearls. Finding one that is flawless, he immediately sells everything and buys it."

How do we weave being kind to ourselves with sacrifice?

How do we imagine that we are relational if we do not sacrifice for our relationships?

How do we postulate about mission when we can only be friends with people who speak Mars Hill-ese?

I fear that if Mars Hill, as a community, does not learn to break free of narcissism in order to reach out for the tough, TOUGH call to mision dei (the mission of God), then the re-invented seminary and re-imagined church will just be a re-gurgitation of phariseeism.

Friends, take a moment of encounter with God and ask what you are giving up for the Kingdom of God? Ask God what you must give up for God's kingdom.

Are we willing to "sell everything?"

If not, there is no condemnation; there is no judgement.

Sadly, though, we are missing the Kingdom - which is worth so much more than any kindness we afford ourselves.

the article is finished!

locked in the ivory tower

i am almost finished with my grenz article. i read part of it to a friend i deeply respect and who is extremely intelligent - much more than she sees, admits, or is willing to hear.

she didn't understand what it meant. she told me that i'm the person to write the article. i know the terms. i understand the concepts.

what this means, though, is that i have forgotten how to communicate what matters in a way that can be recieved. what this means is that i have, after all, climbed the ivory tower. i just want to shout, FUCK! what good is study if i can't communicate it? what good is a quick mind if i can't bring other to the places my mind flys to? FUCK!

i don't even want to finish the article. it won't mean anything. it won't help anyone. it won't contribute anything more than another convoluted voice to pile of unapproachable and non-transformational voices of the inhabitants of the ivory tower.

the worst part is that i'm not positive that i didn't climb the tower on purpose at some point - to impress people - to impress or prove myself. now, i feel worthless.

what's in a word?

i am working on my stan grenz article right now. it's going to be an application of his last work, the named god and the question of being: a trinitarian onto-theology. it's title is the named god and the question of evil: a trinitarian re-imagination of theodicy in ministry.

i'll post a link to it when it gets published (next month?)

anyway, i was just thinking about writing - about writing papers, blog entries, articles etc. does anyone really read my blog? is anyone really impacted by my words - other than a chuckle at dan lincoln and the odd things he says? when i write 10 papers in one day and tire myself out over them, is anyone changed by them? am i? would i be changed if i never sat down to write the words? would they still crowd my head? would it just be crowding?

why do i write a blog?

why am i writing an article?

does anyone care?

does it matter if anyone cares?

is writing truly relational? is it trinitarian? do i write trinitarianly? or do i write for the sake of monologue?

how does/will the interaction of author (me) text (this) and reader (you) play out? what are you subjectively doing with my words? how are you using them to interpret me? what meaning is left after we all (author, text, and reader) thow our thoughts, bias, points of view, etc. into the mix?

what is in a word?

The Kingdom in the Face of a Child

Mars Hill does not have courses on ministry to children. This is a deficit. What seems worse than this educational deficit is the deficit of appreciation and delight. More than a theology of ministry which we can apply to interaction with children, more than a theology of spiritual formation, we need a theology of childhood – of play, of silliness, of giggling, of dancing so unassumingly in the presence of God.

A church without children is a sad and mournful place. The emergent church, who often cul-de-sacs with college and graduate students should not settle for this. We should not seek out parents and accept children – we must seek out children and accept their parents.

How brilliant is the face of God in the face of a child!

the final edition of quotes out of context

Today marks the end of a journey. My time in class with Dan Allender has ended. It has been life-changing, heart breaking, hope birthing and, at times, hilarious. So, today we have the final edition of quotes out of context.

Obviously, I thought I was not here. I won’t take a vote for you, but I believe that I am here.
I have bricks in my heart.
You want my head on a platter.
[I will tell you] what it is like to be a 52-year-old man being undressed by a 26-year-old man.
You become the referee.
I want you to have that deep deep sense you’re not doing good work.
You are taking a long long walk in a lightening storm with a long pole. If you think you are Benjamin Franklin, try it.
I am messing with dynamite.
You will be blown up.
They will eat you; there is no point to be cannibalized.
Um [knock knock knock] you’re sexualizing your child ma’am.
My task is to stand in your way.
My only job in life [is] to create amvibilancs
Manip, mmm mmmm mm mm mmm m mmmm menos.
You are hearing a photograph.
You have a balloon that you have put a face on.
Do you understand the process of squared? Do you understand the processes of exonentiality?
I might be bluffing.
My task is to make havoc.
Invite me to sin because even then it would be righteous.
You are dealing with hyenas, and that’s another word for children.
It is very important that my children learn to speak.
Your sister is bleeding…it is not spontaneous pious bleeding.
That’s the problem with parenting, its that it takes an extraordinary amount of time.
What did you think when you went to the door and heard the dog barking?
I am wanting to get very small.
You can’t wait to dress your eighteen-month-old daughter in new clothes. She’s a living Barbie doll.
Have you started to read music?

also, he said "ju ju" a lot.

Dreams

My "interdisciplinary" interpretation paper:


There is something so common to the thread of life that the same scenes play out across cultures – if only in dreams. In Dreams, Akira Kurosawa takes his audience through eight of his own dreams. As he does so, he reveals not only something of his own heart, fears, and understanding of the world – he reveals something of human experience. Thus, coming from a Buddhist worldview, speckles of an apocalyptic end of the world, earned through sinful, greedy living, can be found in this work. As it does not come from a highly Christianized, Western worldview, this connection is both more difficult to find and more rewarding once uncovered.

Before we reach the apocalyptic element of Dreams, we first examine the very form of the film. “I saw at night.” A dream: so begins the eight visions of Zechariah, rich in imagery and potent in meaning. They are instructive and invite Israel into a new way of spiritually being. “A Dream.” So begins Kurosawa’s prophetic work. It seems, at first glance, to be nothing more than an artistic portrayal of those inescapable images dreams leaves us. Digging deeper, it is a poetic autobiography from Kurosawa, feeling his time running out. However, looking more deeply, this is more than a collection of dreams, it is a collection of dreams forming a prophetic work.

Moving on, we look at the visions leading up to the apocalyptic dreams. The first, Sunshine Through Rain, has edenic qualities. A boy, in an innocent world, is warned not to venture out in sunshine and rain, as the foxes have their weddings on these days. He disobeys and is caught watching the foxes. As a result, his mother locks him out, telling him to seek their forgiveness. “They do not usually forgive;” she says, “you should be prepared to die.” With this, the innocence nature, respected, and untouched, is lost. From this point, in the dream, nature is not comforting and humanity and nature struggle with each other.
The second through fourth dreams develop this theme of the sins of humanity and enmity between humanity and nature. Finally, the fifth dream is a hinge. In Crows, an older man walks into a Van Gogh painting. Van Gogh is fighting against time and has a task at hand. He must finish his work before it is too late: before the crows come. After this, Kurosawa’s work takes a different, more instructive and even rushed tone. The first four visions set the stage and the fifth announced the urgency. Now, the prophecy comes.

Mt. Fuji in Red is the first of the two apocalyptic dreams. The mountain is glowing as though erupting. However, it glows because, behind it, nuclear power plants are exploding. The nuclear waste destroys everything and everyone. The same older man as in the last dream is now a tourist, caught up in this storm of people and runs with them as they flee to the sea. When he reaches the sea, there is nowhere else to run. Here he engages in dialogue. In the end, it is revealed that this desperate end is justified punishment for the sins of humanity, for human pride and disbelief that humanity will ever be brought to mourn in such a way.

This dialogue echoes Revelation 18:7:
To the degree that she glorified herself and lived sensuously, to the same degree give her torment and mourning; for she says in her heart, 'I sit as a queen and I am not a widow, and will never see mourning.'

If the sixth dream is apocalyptic, the seventh, The Weeping Demon, is post-apocalyptic: where there was no mourning, the suffering brought for transgressions has now brought weeping. The older man finds himself, again, as a tourist. He is climbing a dark mountain and finds a mourning man. He looks more closely at the man and asks, “Are you a demon?” The man affirms, “I suppose I am.” He continues, “Once was human,” but now he and all those whose greed led to a nuclear apocalypse are punished with eternal life and suffering. Where they feasted at the expense of nature and of the poor, now they hunger and have nothing to eat but each other. There is real sense of drinking double from the cup they poured. Finally, the demon-man turns of the traveler and, again, the viewer craves escape.

Village of the Watermills, the final vision offers exactly that, a sense of escape. The tourist is now walking through a bright, breathtaking, simple town, adorned with spring flowers. He comes upon a man who is working a watermill. The two discuss. In a fairly preachy way, the conclusion is brought: this simple way of life is the alternative to the death and destruction he has seen. The invitation is, in essence, to return to the boy of the first dream and keep him from engaging in that original sin that tore humanity and nature apart, or at least to live as though it hadn’t happened.

Obviously, these are very Buddhist ideals. The first, obvious, thing a Christian can receive from this film is a picture of sin and purity in an Eastern mindset. Through this, we see Kurosawa’s lens and interpretation – not so much of Christian scriptures or even of his dreams, but more his dreams’ interpretation of life, of the common human fear of a cataclysmic and deserved end of life, and the longing for something different – something I would describe as worship.

Through this film, we see common threads of human life that are reflected in Christian scriptures as well as in the dreams of Kurosawa. We find that our faith tells the story of fallen beings created in the image of God and that the struggles and even fear and thoughts of a catastrophic but just and hyperbolically punitive end to the world runs in the veins of humanity.
A person of faith can engage this film by calling for something more than a retreat to simplicity. Retreat, as Revelation reveals, is not the way to restoration – judgment brings restoration. More importantly, the judgment does not return us to Eden. To the contrary, it takes us to a new city. Given how sinful cities are this seems too impossible. Can the whore of Babylon be destroyed? Can a city come that does not prey upon the poor? The answer is worship. A city built on worship, will worship as God has called – through justice.

Finally, I’d like us to return to that word worship. At the beginning of Revelation 18, God calls God’s people out. Like God called God’s people out of Egypt to worship, in Revelation 18, the call is the same. Do not be caught in her sin – in her pride and abuse – instead, worship. Kurosawa’s first seven dreams paint a picture. His eighth dream pens an invitation, “Come out of this, my people, do not participate in the modern world’s abuse of nature and ridiculous pride in the face of nuclear weaponry and power. Instead, come to a worshipful, simple way of living.” The difference we must highlight and praise is that Revelation calls for worship of a triumphant God who redeems God’s people and destroys the city who has spilled their blood (metaphorically as it may be). The call is not to worship or restore peace with a passive world that we must care for, but to bow in jubilant worship of the God who reigns and redeems.

Ravenna: 5 bdrm craftsman - no vacancy!

the location of sinners and saints seattle is now official!

we got the ravenna house!

to emily, jen, and mary, our new neighbors: i hope you know how much we love you and how much ass we will kick at mars hill tag!

i am excited for what the next year will bring in our community!

quotes out of context - holy week edition

Actually, I am a holograph tonight.
Take your shoes off.
Can I have ice cream tonight?
You are on the phone and you talk too much.
There’s not really that much difference between [gangs and church youth groups].
If there is a way that you can come to eat one less shoe, you will have done well.
You have created a nightmare.
You little miserable worm of a sinner!
Get on the ground and give me a hundred push-ups.
Watch the TV show called “nanny something.”
Birth order sucks.
There are rules and you will bow to them, sucker.
You had your own horse.
If you weren’t [the black sheep] you probably would have gone to Fuller.
You go to movies. You actually read fiction.
Count to four hundred and forty-four.
You go to school with dirty clothes.
You go to school smelling like a pigsty.
Parents for the most part are dumb.
I want food now.
I won’t let you have contact with me.

Also...Mike Biers:
"Armpits are always the best."

a broken heart love's cradle is

I've spent the last day re-connecting with my beautiful baby (my twelve string guitar). Together, we have really dove into the following song. As one who has come to know something about communal mourning, let me invite you into a week of mourning "our lord is crucified." please read the lyrics and let them take sorriful root in your soul - so that this sunday will be all the sweeter - and the eschatological sunday all the more longed for.

O come and mourn with me awhile,
O come ye to the Savior’s side
O come, together let us mourn,
Jesus our Lord is crucified.

Seven times He spake seven words of love;
And all three hours His silence cried
For mercy on the souls of men;
Jesus our Lord is crucified.

O love of God! O sin of man!
In this dread act Your strength is tried;
And victory remains with love;
Jesus our Lord is crucified!

O break, O break, hard heart of mine!
Thy weak self-love and guilty pride
His Pilate and His Judas were:
Jesus our Lord is crucified.

A broken heart, a fount of tears,
Ask, and they will not be denied;
A broken heart love’s cradle is:
Jesus our Lord is crucified.

baseball and eschatology: when the mariner's bullpin comes out, start praying "come quickly lord!"

there we sat, 30 rows from the field and half way between home plate and first base. the pitching from the other team was awe-inspiring...from our team, awful. two boys sitting next to us shouted excitedly for every batter. jeremy reed really isn't a baseball player's name - there's nothing to shout. still, one boy shouted "JER-EM-Y!" and the other tagged, "REED!" their refusal to see the game for what it was, a total disappointment - after a high-scoring season, birthed great respect for thses pre-pubescent sports enthusiasts.

at one point, we left our awesome seats to get dinner. two sandwihes and two soft drinks. and your total is: $27.50. ,i could hear the boys chanting for the triumphant tyrant who had claimed such a prize for two sad sad sandwiches and pepsi brand soft drinks: "let's go" "price gaugers!" "let's go" "price gaugers!" or "extra extra" "read all about it" "you got taken" "no doubt about it!" "gooooooooo capitolistically over-financed mariner's owners! yeah!"

in the middle of the game, i found out why my uncle had invited me: "your parents told me you've had a lot of stress in your life." i don't know why, but i was surprised by that statement. "oh, you mean the death"

a bewildered look overtook my uncle's face. death? the capitol hill thing? did you know someone there?

i explainded the connection and was too weary and too aware that we were in excellent seats at a mariner's game to be present to it or to recieve sympathy.
"it wasn't one of the really young ones was it?"
"he was 21"
"oh, good, you know - at least he was an adult. i was worried when i first herad about it that it might be my friend's daughter....blah blah blah....i'm not going to see you in this...blah blah blah....you know?"
"yeah, i totally agree....blah blah blah...that's fine - i'm tired anyway and quite used to not being seen...blah blah blah...so, yeah, it's good that your friend's daughter doesn't go to raves in seattle."

- long pause before it hits me -

"what did my parent's say i'm stressed out about?"
"well, you aren't going to be able to go to ireland this summer and your cousin's wedding is stressing you out."

my indifference turned quickly to rage - HAS MY COUSIN'S NARCISSISM INFECTED MY PARENTS TOO! DO THEY NOT SEE THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON HERE!? DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THE VERY REASON MY COUSIN'S NARCISSISM IS STRESSING ME OUT IS BECAUSE SHE REFUSED TO SEE HOW CHRIS' DEATH WAS AFFECTING ME!?!

i explained to my uncle WHY my cousin's wedding was stressing me out. he said, "wow," stared off into space then noted, "they're finally warming up the bullpin - hopefully things will change."

things didn'tchange. the bullpin made things worse (an utterly familiar feeling for mariner's fans). why did he flee a difficult present to a knowingly hopeless and inconsequential future? the same reason the church runs to the doctrine of soveriegnty in the face of evil. God's soveriegnty doesn't make pain like that inflicted by the massacre go away. it never, this side of eternity, seems to make sense either - unless we force it to - like a puzzle piece that just doesn't fit. can't we sit in the evil of this world and see it as that without running to something pretty - or an excuse for something pretty - ie a mariner's relief pitcher?

sometimes the only solace at a mariner's game is that this game will end. the suffering of no hits and shitty pitching will come to an end and we'll all leave this stadium, where we are so proud of our status, where we cheer for something we have no control over, as though it gave us control, where they bring a clown dressed as a moose out to cheer us up, and make us care about a game that's depressing us and is not of ultimate value. the fact we learn is that there is inexplicable suffering at safeco stadium. we don't try to say the coach is soveriegn when he leaves a dying pitcher in. we just, in our wise moments, sigh, realizing we are not in control, and turn to - rather than away from - that eschatological moment when this suffering will end, and we will trudge through traffic to our homes where warm beds, freinds/family, exquisite food, and possibly even a roaring fire (in the fire place) waits to welcome us into reality.

i just completed and turned in quite literally the worst paper i have ever written. it was an exegesis paper. gcts would be embarassed. me, i'm tired and long for bed, so that's where i'm going.

the return of quotes out of context

Last Week:
“I will make you suffer.”
“A woman can take chemicals to keep her from having menses.”
“It’s night and you must go to bed.”
“Don’t you want to go get ice cream with Daddy?”
“The living room will be the mark of Hell for your child.”
“Thursday evening is when my best three TV shows are.”
“[The Left Behind Series] is theological pornography.”
“Watching Dr. Phil and Oprah together [is pornography].”
“I knew enough to know that she was and is whacked.”
“You will sweat.”
“I’m pretty sure…that I could shoot you.”
"I am a mercurial and difficult man who might explode and shoot you in this field.”
“You don’t matter that much for me to shoot you in this field.”
“I have friends…I have one friend.”
“You can find joy by being a big fish, or by being a relatively good sized fish.”
“We all want many more courses for programs particularly because we want you to stay for 15, 20 years.”
“There will be little enjoyment if they have sex.”

This Week:
“Marriage counseling is mud wrestling.”
“You will be in a mess.”
“Don’t ever find yourself in a position of being a referee.”
“How old are you?”
“I will enter a buzz saw.”
“Are you going to take me on?”
“How are you at being hated?”
“I went to Jones Junior High School.”
“Don’t ever start a graduate school.”
“They are looking at your shoe.”
“Is your grip firm or too firm?”
“Consider everything you’ve just said useless.”
“You are a good narcissist.”
“Yes my mother was crazy.”
“You will not say ‘Hello’ well.”
“Your failure is cherished.”
“You are the murderer.”
“You are one of the greatest murderers on the face of the earth. I don’t know if there has ever been a greater murderer…than you.”
“Do triage to keep the couples from killing each other.”

One not our of context and to beautiful not to share:
“Empathy is the radical, absurd entry of God into this world. It is the radical, absurd entry of one soul into another.”

Also Paul Steinke:
“We’re not going to kiss you at this point.”
"I can identify with the desire to be drunk."
"I will pursue you in this."

cover me with shit and watch me grow!

when you plant flowers, you have to cover them in shit in order for them to grow.

my brother and I came to see this through a tough spot in our family story.

i'd rather not, here, get into a philosophical discussion of "did God put this week's manure on the flowers or does he simply use the manure evil heaped on us to grow us? if God is all powerful, isn't God responsible for all manure?" that question will be discussed in exhausting circles for ages to come.

today, i just want to say that this has definately been the week from hell. it literally began when evil came from hell to that blue house on capitol hill and continued as tough ciricumstances arose in my life and in the lives of everyone around me.

today, one week after i heard about the shooting, i am amazed at who i have been and become this week. specifically, as i have seen and felt narcissism in ugly places, as i have been cared for others only to recieve surpassing care and felt, therefore, more able to give even more and more extravagent care, i have become exceedingly excited for my house church - to be a missional place truning narcissism into mutuality and raggedness into a ravenous appetite to seek the kingdom of God.

this has been a shitty way to grow - but, like i said, you have to cover flowers with shit in order for them to grow.
when they do grow, they forge through the manure to turn their faces in exquisite praise of God!
may we all do the same.