an emo thought

---- i woke up this morning with the sober thought of erasing this uber emo post. i think it was posted out of too much mango rum last night (not frat boy or english professor too much, just emo too much...ok, two drinks)

...but if its touching and encourages the quest for community, then i'll bear the weight of emo, rum-drinking overly-emotional posts.

suffice to say, i miss sinners and saints. ----



rain has never sounded so beautiful, washing away the remains of a drowning deam i've kindled too long.
i feel like an emo kid as i lay on my bed with only my sleeping dog for company.

the rain begins to feel more like terential tears for a community i don't have.
i feel like an out-dated lower step of the ivory tower as i ramble theologically but spend days and nights alone.

the rain stopped and abandoned the dreams i had for it for me, for the life-giving spirit between i and the storm.
even wet drops abandon me like the dreams i had of community and closeness shy of the atlantic.
i feel like a country song as i wonder how long my old, tired dog can continue breathing in beat with lonely hours passing by,
one by one dying of disappointment.

will community sweep in like a storm and bath me with what i am longing for?
will incarnation find me?
i want to scream but only constrain forming tears.

as the rain begins again to beat like a metranome, this song plays softly in the wind:
"if all that's left is duty, then i'm falling on my sword.
atleast then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord.
can someone please tell me the stories of sinnerss ransomed from the fall.
i still have never seen you, and some days,
i don't love you at all."

and again, my pitter-patter friends flee somewhere in the dark night.

in honesty, like the moon, i know you are here tonight, like the sun you will be here tomorrow, like both, you saturate every day and night with radient light.
in honesty, that's no longer enough.
it never was.
if you won't give me more, i don't want to see that you are there at all.