beginning and end

today i had endcap-like encouonters.

holding jaguar as she discovered nature - seeing the absoulte wonder in her glistening ocean-blue eyes as she touched and held the branches of a pine tree, leaves, a flower - she took such joy in such simplicity. softly i whispered in her ear, "Jesus made these because He loves you - his precious princess - sunshine." together we giggled and basked in the sun, absorbing every miniscule blessing - down to the blades of grass.

dashing into church hoping to avoid an elder, i was caught in an undesired encounter. he judged me for sloppy hand writing, too few youth going to mexico, my intern's mathmatical mistake on an employment form, poor communication in our church. in two minutes i went from euphoric to pissed - and behind being pissed, deep wound and increasingly deep rooted fear of what might come at my church. the voice calling me to flawlessness and perfection and shaming me for every misstep grew louder and louder until i had the ramones on full blast singing "i wanna be sedated" to drown out (sedate) the pain i was feeling.

what possesses a person to inflict wound over such petty things?

bryan recently blogged a desire to "journey well" with his niece.

how does a person go from jaguar to my church elder? collective shame? collective de-facing wound? soul age? a journey that is in no way "well" traveled?

with all my heart i love jaguar and prayerfully plead that everyone she encounters cares for and journeys "well" with her.


i wonder if between the two endcaps - jaguar and the elder - stands me - increasingly wounded by the church and still grasping with weakening fingers for even a weak hold on faith, hope, and love. in my journey, will i find footing to become more child-like or will consistant shame and pain lead me to the same end as my church elder?



also...a break through in my understanding of encounter:

maria and i had dinner tonight and discussed what exists between "i and thou." she explained an intense need ot allow that as well as the other to exists as it is - this need is so great that she doesn't allow her "i" to exist. it dawned on me that in doing so, she takes such control over the interaction so as to remove the one thing she rightly should control, herself. when we interact this way, we are violent and rob encounter of what we uniquely bring. as i shared these words and we sat in silence, we both knew our own presences in this encounter and were acutely aware that the encounter had a presence of its own.