the love of a child as key to community

Ocean, since my life has nose-dived (dove?) into insanity, misses me and so he will grab a book and sit on their patio, where i often sit (sat) while reading for school. Once he gets situated with his book, he'll announce, "Becky be here soon." When Jen says, "No Ocean, I don't think Becky's coming today," Oceans stares crossly at her and says, "Yep. Becky be here soon." Then he looks down at his book and patiently waits as my absesnse continues.

When Jaguar sees me - those days when I do find time to visit - she shakes and her mouth stretches out into that pure golden sunshine smile as she anticipates my rushing over to pick her up, play with her, and remind her that she is my precious sunshine.

My response:
1) holy shit. this is too much responsibility. i have become these kids' family. my absense, my busyness affects them. ocean feels abandoned and angry when i don't come around often enough. the lack of responsibility to pure little people who love without reserve was one of the few benefits of being single and childless. crap. what's going to happen if/when i move to ireland? will they feel abandoned? will they suffer loss? can i move despite this?

2) holy crap, i have never felt so loved as when ocean wakes up groggy from a nap but smiles to see that i'm there, when i hear that he asks constantly where i'm at, when jaguar's sunshine stretches across her face simply because i walked into a room. kids are amazing.

3) holy God, you are beyond compare that you have created these little people. thank you for the extravagent grace to be placed in the middle of their lives - let me walk well within their world. let me be like them, giving love as the sun gives light.

4) why do they love me so? sure, i've given them so much i hope i give my own children less so that they won't get spoiled. but they don't understand that most of their clothing are gifts i saw and couldn't keep from buying for them. sure i pray for them more than for myself, but they don't know that. all they know is my presence.

then i realize, if we are to learn about community, children are the best teachers. maybe biting, stealing toys, hitting when you don't get what you want etc. are not good community traits, but loving someone - not for what you get from them, how charismatic they are, the sense of satisfaction their presence gives you etc. - loving someone for their presence in your life and craving that presence when it is absent - this root would grow a community too beautiful to put in words or contain in a picture. it's beyond my comprehension.

then i wonder, what were the children thinking as they approached Jesus.
- dude, he's really important, i want to talk to him so i can drop his name on the play ground
- my ankle's been hurting, maybe he can heal me
- i hit my sister alot, maybe if i'm nice to him he'll forgive me
- maybe that dude has some better food than my mom gave me
- he's teaching some cool stuff, maybe we can hit up a pub, get some root beer and talk philosophy
- that dude said he's "THE way, THE truth, THE life." if i don't want to go to hell, i'd better get on his good side
- hey, maybe if i hang with this dude, i can be a star player in a social group based on his teachings
- if he's God, maybe he has a super power for me!

probably not.

how, then, did the children come to Jesus? was he simply so loving and the children so absorbed in the pursuit of simple love that as love beemed through his gently eyes and kind smile, they had no choice but to run into his arms and recieve his love?

is this, then, what community does, as the collective body of christ? each of us, from childhood, seek the loving relationship God created us for - love between God, others, and God's world. when we come together as community, are we dually the child running to the arms of an incarnational representative of Christ as well as, ourselves, being an incarnation of Christ, giving love as determinedly and freely as Jesus did to those children?

when ocean sits on that patio and occasionally is awarded with my approach, when i kneel down, hug him, pick him up, tell him i love him soooooo much and tickle him until his angelic laugh climaxes and his smile grows so big i wonder if it hurts his face, am i bringing to him a piece of Jesus? without a second thought, i know that, in that moment, he has brought Jesus to me.